Your mate will think you are being unfair because he is not precisely like any other person. You have made a gross generalization that you and your spouse will now waste time arguing about. Scripture warns us against comparing.
Paul teaches that measuring yourself by yourself or by others is unwise. However, if you really want to compare yourself to someone, do it with Jesus. Therefore, instead of comparing your spouse with others, why not try dealing with the specific issues that are driving you apart and destroying your relationship?
This would be the best use of your time and effort in communication. Bringing up the past. Many times in my counseling, couples have come in with horrendous stories of how past failures have been used as a club to beat the other into submission.
An intense argument has ensued, and in the end, nothing was accomplished. The only result was more anger, frustration, and, of course, greater distance between the two.
The two things you can do with past sins and failures is to reconcile them and then forget them and go forward. Paul looked at life this way and encouraged us to do the same. However, to forget the things which are behind you, you must first forgive and reconcile them.
To gain this forgiveness, go and discuss these unresolved issues with your mate and resolve them once and for all. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always the first steps toward putting an issue behind you and to opening the door to a closer relationship Mark Then, determine that you will never bring that issue up again to use as a weapon against your spouse.
Deal only with the present. This will keep you out of trouble and make your communication productive. Attacking your spouse. Have you ever had a conversation where you and your spouse spend the entire time attacking each other? One charge after another is made while the actual issue that started the conflict is forgotten. When couples are in the attack mode it is usually because they have not resolved past issues which they are not willing to forgive Eph.
If you are ever going to effectively communicate and resolve issues, you must begin to attack the problem instead of the person.
This is fundamental to solving any conflict. But, how can you stop attacking each other and start attacking the problem? First, you must examine your own heart and acknowledge what your contribution is to the conflict. This will really help you identify the problem. It is especially important to identify what kind of communication problems you are having i.
Not listening, talking too much, not talking enough, interrupting, sentence finishing, blame shifting, or explosive anger. Second, you must acknowledge your fault without trying to attack your spouse with condemning comments.
Most of the time if you will approach your spouse with a humble and soft answer, it will keep your spouse from becoming defensive Prov. Finally, resolve the problem by asking his or her forgiveness.
When you take these actions there will be no need to attack each other. What goes through your mind when you hear these words? Then your mate proceeds to give you another example of your failure.
This conversation then quickly descends to charges and counter charges. The only way to defuse this kind of dead end communication is to stop exaggerating. The words always , never , or every time, work like gasoline on the fire of an argument.
These words will cause an angry explosion because your spouse can always think of at least one time he or she did do what you say never occurs. The truth may be that your spouse many times or rarely does this or that, as opposed to always or never.
Therefore, be fair and honest as you speak with your loved one. The fruit will be rewarding. For communication to be effective, you must be truthful.
When you discuss issues with your mate, do you twist the facts to suit yourself? Do you change the story when your spouse catches you with an inconsistency in your facts?
When you are convicted of some failure, do you just change the subject to get the spotlight off you? If you do any of these things, you are not dealing honestly with your partner. Eventually, your spouse will realize your lack of honesty, which will result in a complete communication breakdown. Ultimately, your mate will question nearly everything you say, even when you are telling the truth. This lack of trust will cause you to become defensive.
Real fellowship and communion in your relationship will cease. Remember that a believer also has the Holy Spirit to help him discern truth. The Spirit resides within every believer to give the added ability to discern the truth John Therefore, if you want your spouse to believe you when you speak, and you want the Holy Spirit to bear witness to your words, then, start telling the truth. Remember, you and your spouse are truly members one of another. You are one flesh.
However, think for a moment what would happen if your own physical members lied to you when they were injured? How long would you survive if you severely cut yourself and you felt no pain?
Many times, the cause of these breakdowns can be followed back to missing frameworks for communication. The structures we are working from are simply different from others. With such variations in the way we communicate, it only makes sense for there to be different styles. The problem is when they lead to communication breakdowns, which can cause negative consequences such as a third of employees feeling like they aren't being heard Sideways6, We've previously written about the importance of cultivating self-awareness in leadership.
Sometimes the way a person expresses themselves may not reflect what's actually going on under the surface. Take anger for example: a parent could be expressing anger toward their child who misbehaved.
However, underneath that anger, the parent could be worried and concerned for their child's well-being Benson, This is true for the workplace as well. It can be easy to express negative emotions without understanding the layers of true feelings underneath.
Similarly, the people on the other end of these negative emotions may not understand what is happening beneath the surface. It shows that the way we view ourselves is not necessarily the truth.
In this way, a lack of self-awareness can lead to miscommunication and ultimately communication breakdown. Empathy is described as having the knowledge of another person's state of mind and then being emotionally affected by how they feel Steuber, It is a way in which we connect socially with others around us.
But what happens when we lack this important ability in certain situations, especially in the workplace? Coming back to the anger example, perhaps you're having a bad day, unrelated to what is happening at work. Then, a coworker asks you a question that you feel is unnecessary. Your initial reaction could be to yell at them, not thinking about the consequences of this action. This is a lack of thought and empathy for the other person and what they must be feeling in that moment. Unfortunately, it can lead to damaging effects on the relationship.
In that moment, you may not have thought about the impact of your actions, but you will certainly face the consequences after. The consequences of these communication breakdowns can be felt throughout the workplace. We wanted to look at the ways in which they present on a large scale.
A survey looked at how people were avoiding difficult conversations in the workplace. They described how this avoidance led to reduced productivity and higher turnover rates Bravely. Addressing communication barriers would help to reduce the time and money spent in this area. There are staggering statistics in regard to the consequences of miscommunication. This issue has clear consequences.
It also leads to time spent solving problems related to miscommunications. The ur-mistake. When we talk, we can hear ourselves, which is enough for us to convince ourselves that someone else has heard us. But much of the time, they are not even hearing our beautifully crafted eloquence, let alone absorbing it. Failing to connect. Communication scientists identify two fundamental levels operating in every conversation. Then there is the relationship level - a subterranean, emotion-driven, inarticulate conversation about whether you and I like and respect each other.
Success at the relationship level is a precondition of success at the content level; if no mutually satisfactory connection has been made, then no matter how eloquent and clever you are being, the conversation is guaranteed to go badly. Trying to convince. The other person stops listening to us because they feel threatened, and they push back with whatever weapons are at hand - irrationality, aggression, silence. Saying too much. People have an overload of inputs and limited time.
You have to assume that they would rather be doing many, many other things other than listening to you. Saying too little. A certain narcissism is built into the structure of human communication. Although we mentally compensate for the fact that we have better access to our inner states than others do, we find it hard to compensate enough.
You say too little and explain yourself poorly because some part of you stubbornly assumes they must already know what you mean. Talking down. Conversations often include an unspoken contest over relative status. More often that not, the offender has no idea. That goes back to the asymmetry problem - our innate difficulty in recognising that other people have inner lives as rich as our own. The model we tend to work with is something like this: I am infinitely subtle, complex and hard to read; you are simple and predictable.
Lack of attention to tone. It is multi-channel: it can manifest itself in the pitch of a voice, in a particular choice of words, in punctuation, in an emoji. We often talk about tone as if it is something superficial, secondary to the substance of the communication - to the message - so we neglect to give it serious thought.
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